Saturday, October 06, 2001
|12:23 PM| The best and the worst

What's the worst part of clinical depression, for me? The way it makes me feel. What's the best part? The way it makes me feel.

When I'm depressed, or down, or something gets to me, it's amplified a thousand times in my head. It's fixated upon and all rational thought is lost. I feel like I'm falling down the stairs. I'm tumbling and I'm helpless but if I stick out an arm it'll be snapped as if it was dry and rotted internally. I fall, hopelessly through space for a few moments before smashing into the next landing and being catapulted further. It just doesn't stop and there doesn't seem to be an end. It's totally unreasonable. I can keep telling myself that there are bigger and more important things to worry about but I can't seem to get past this wall that has formed on either side of my tumbling mind. I wake up on the kitchen floor, unsure of what to do.

Sometimes, the opposite will happen. Strength and confidence will be magnified a thousand times. I stand up and I feel a rush of pure will ripple through me. Any task is dashed against me. I feel as if I am a force, a power, the celts called it a "warp spasm" and it's just another chemical imbalance in my head. My legs are tree trunks, my arms are steam shovels. I open my mouth and belch diesel exhaust. As I carried the bookshelf out of my apartment, I surveyed the parking lot. Had I wanted, I would only have needed to grab one of the cars there to flip it. I could have dug into the asphalt itself and buried the complex beneath it. Surely with such energy I could complete the task of moving in an hour. An hour and a half later I woke up in the closet, staring at the ceiling. I had moved some things, but I had again lost it and ended up asleep.

Ugh. With my tasks complete, and needing only to sneak the Hecubus computer out of this apartment, I'm beginning to feel weak again. I think I'll go sleep for about 20 hours. Hope you folks have a good day.

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We need one created for the years, and then the months. The months are the /////tricky ones, since they need their ID to increase more than the years, but since the functions keep referencing ///// the same name system, we have to be careful not to make the years close up when we click on a month. ///Set some Variables $YearMenuID = 1; /////What ID the preceding year link controls. Needs to be same for all the months under a given year. $MonthMenuID= 1; ////What ID the preceding month link controls. Needs to be the same for all the weeks under a given ////Month but not the same as any year, etc. $LastYearUsed = 0; $LastMonthUsed = 0; echo '

'; /////That should be the "Year" div. All the years should be in this one DIV. ///Start the main loop. foreach ($myDateArray as $key => $value) { ////Pulling the year/date. $month = ExtractMonth($value); $year = ExtractYear($value); $YearMenuID = $year; $MonthMenuID = $month; $PrettyMonth = $MyDateArray[$month]; ////Is this a new year? If ($year != $LastYearUsed) ///Then we need to put the year down. No DIV created quite yet. { ///First off, we need to close the preceding year's DIV. Twice if it ain't 2001 if ($year != 2001) { echo '

'; } echo '

$myDateArray[$key]

_HTML2_; ///That creates a DIV for the year (month based links) then the month (week based links). ////Then the first weekly link. ///That should have made a link to the weekly archive file. ///As well as creating the first month link, which is in its own DIV, } Else { ///Okay, it's not a new year. So, we need to check if it's a new month. If($month != $LastMonthUsed) { //So it's a new month. That means we need to put down a link for the month to control the div //that contains the weekly links. //First, though, we need to close up the previous month echo '

$myDateArray[$key]

_HTML3_; } Else /////////So it's not a new month, then we just need to put down the weekly link. { echo '

' . $myDateArray[$key] . '

'; } } $LastMonthUsed = $month; $LastYearUsed = $year; } ECHO '