Thursday, September 26, 2002
Fool Zoo |10:16 AM| While Epstein was here, at one point zoos came up, and we discussed the last time either of us had been to a zoo. Have you ever seen a naked mole rat? I was introduced to them about 5 years ago in an article detailing their related conservation efforts. Ugly little bastards, but the last time I was at a zoo I did get to see them. The two that were moving around were fighting, each of them were biting the other on the ass, so you had this little "O" shape made of mole rats. One was dragging the pair of them around the hive. Crazy bastards.
I did have an idea of the perfect zoo. One issue with zoos is that unless you go during feeding time, the animals are usually taking it as slow and easy as possible. My zoo would feed all the animals high powered amphetamines, so that they were exciting and moving at all times. This would necessitate certain increased security, as a 12 foot tall polar bear that is now jumping out of its bear pit could cause some serious issues. Also causing issues would be the snakes that can now fly, the kangaroos clearing 40 feet in a single jump, and the monkeys breaking the sound barrier.
In my mind, all the zoo animals are singing Led Zeppelin songs in their heads.
Imagined quotes from the jaguar I thought I could release: "Thank you for releasing me from my long captivity. Your reward is a LETHAL MAULING!"

Proposed dialog between a moth visiting my window-with-the-grow-light, and a lizard who has been growing back his tail for a month.

Moth: "Every single one of my 400 compatriots to have investigated the blue glow has yet to return. I too, will investigate."
Moth: "Hmmm, nothing out of the ordinary, nothing dangerous."
Lizard: "Enter...Professor Stumpy-kins!"
Moth: "Oh! I am slain!"

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We need one created for the years, and then the months. The months are the /////tricky ones, since they need their ID to increase more than the years, but since the functions keep referencing ///// the same name system, we have to be careful not to make the years close up when we click on a month. ///Set some Variables $YearMenuID = 1; /////What ID the preceding year link controls. Needs to be same for all the months under a given year. $MonthMenuID= 1; ////What ID the preceding month link controls. Needs to be the same for all the weeks under a given ////Month but not the same as any year, etc. $LastYearUsed = 0; $LastMonthUsed = 0; echo '

'; /////That should be the "Year" div. All the years should be in this one DIV. ///Start the main loop. foreach ($myDateArray as $key => $value) { ////Pulling the year/date. $month = ExtractMonth($value); $year = ExtractYear($value); $YearMenuID = $year; $MonthMenuID = $month; $PrettyMonth = $MyDateArray[$month]; ////Is this a new year? If ($year != $LastYearUsed) ///Then we need to put the year down. No DIV created quite yet. { ///First off, we need to close the preceding year's DIV. Twice if it ain't 2001 if ($year != 2001) { echo '

'; } echo '

$myDateArray[$key]

_HTML2_; ///That creates a DIV for the year (month based links) then the month (week based links). ////Then the first weekly link. ///That should have made a link to the weekly archive file. ///As well as creating the first month link, which is in its own DIV, } Else { ///Okay, it's not a new year. So, we need to check if it's a new month. If($month != $LastMonthUsed) { //So it's a new month. That means we need to put down a link for the month to control the div //that contains the weekly links. //First, though, we need to close up the previous month echo '

$myDateArray[$key]

_HTML3_; } Else /////////So it's not a new month, then we just need to put down the weekly link. { echo '

' . $myDateArray[$key] . '

'; } } $LastMonthUsed = $month; $LastYearUsed = $year; } ECHO '