Saturday, March 01, 2003
Sticky Tack |6:19 PM| I has occurred to me that this blog is going to be relatively boring to most folks without a dash of comedy. Though I'm not dedicated to getting and keeping readers, I thought I should "give something back" to the community.

The saw tackiest thing I have seen in at least a year last night, in a gas station. It was one of the more colorful Mobils along Lamar, the normal corporate neatness had been kidnapped and left for dead in a ditch some years ago, and now the shelves bulged outward with various off-brand snacks and novelties that should make the whoopie cushion people blush. One of them, right by the register, left the other crap lightyears behind. It was clear that a level of tackiness research had gone into this product equal to the US's research into the nuclear bomb during World War 2. This object was called a "Silk Panty-Rose".
A cheap looking, plastic rose stem was capped by an equally cheap and plastic rosebud, surrounded by a silk-like substance to make the petals. The product artwork revealed that if you pulled on the petals, it would unfold into "An actual set of wearable panties!"

Who in the FUCK came up with this ridiculous idea? What terrible chemical imbalance would cause this sort of creativity?
I'm not female, but if my man showed up with a boquet of cheap underwear made to look like crappy flowers expecting to get lucky, I'd bite his cock off.

I can just imagine a prom night sometime, somewhere, during which a young man decides he'll make a subtle hint to his date with his choice of flowers. He hands her the bouquet of normal, once living flowers with this plastic monstronsity sticking out like a diseased limb. Without it being pointed out, the young woman plucks it from the collection of flowers, realizes what it is as the cheap "silk" unfolds in her hands, and starts a 20 year streak of "The fastest I have ever gone from thinking I was in love to dumping a guy and telling him never to see me again". (This 10 year record is only broken when she finds out her boyfriend of the time (during a period of low cash reserves) ate the exotic pet that she thought had run away.

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We need one created for the years, and then the months. The months are the /////tricky ones, since they need their ID to increase more than the years, but since the functions keep referencing ///// the same name system, we have to be careful not to make the years close up when we click on a month. ///Set some Variables $YearMenuID = 1; /////What ID the preceding year link controls. Needs to be same for all the months under a given year. $MonthMenuID= 1; ////What ID the preceding month link controls. Needs to be the same for all the weeks under a given ////Month but not the same as any year, etc. $LastYearUsed = 0; $LastMonthUsed = 0; echo '

'; /////That should be the "Year" div. All the years should be in this one DIV. ///Start the main loop. foreach ($myDateArray as $key => $value) { ////Pulling the year/date. $month = ExtractMonth($value); $year = ExtractYear($value); $YearMenuID = $year; $MonthMenuID = $month; $PrettyMonth = $MyDateArray[$month]; ////Is this a new year? If ($year != $LastYearUsed) ///Then we need to put the year down. No DIV created quite yet. { ///First off, we need to close the preceding year's DIV. Twice if it ain't 2001 if ($year != 2001) { echo '

'; } echo '

$myDateArray[$key]

_HTML2_; ///That creates a DIV for the year (month based links) then the month (week based links). ////Then the first weekly link. ///That should have made a link to the weekly archive file. ///As well as creating the first month link, which is in its own DIV, } Else { ///Okay, it's not a new year. So, we need to check if it's a new month. If($month != $LastMonthUsed) { //So it's a new month. That means we need to put down a link for the month to control the div //that contains the weekly links. //First, though, we need to close up the previous month echo '

$myDateArray[$key]

_HTML3_; } Else /////////So it's not a new month, then we just need to put down the weekly link. { echo '

' . $myDateArray[$key] . '

'; } } $LastMonthUsed = $month; $LastYearUsed = $year; } ECHO '